Devious Journal Entry

"So I take off my face... Because it reminds me how it all went wrong.
And I pull out my tongue, because it reminds me how it all went wrong,
And I cough up my lungs, because it reminds me how it all went wrong,
But I leave in my heart, because I don't want to stay in the dark......"

I never felt like I was uncomfortable, uncertain. But I don't know how to feel. How can I? My thoughts have ran rampant, and I can't sit still, or silence the screams in my head. I don't know how to feel, or what's going to happen. I'v forgotten who I was, who I'm supposed to be, or how I'm supposed to feel. I don't know how to feel. How does one feel again? I guess nothing in life is for free, everything costs a piece of your sanity. Just sometimes it's hard to think that anything can go well. Go smoothly, or go your way. But nothing was ever easy. Not since the day I was born. But that's ok, I can handle that I guess. I needed to write it down somewhere. I decided here was a good place. Don't ask me why, maybe I know that no one will see. And that's ok. I just needed to vent. This is the first time I felt real pain, and it's because of my own uncertainty. For once, it doesn't mean I didn't make my own mess, or my own hard decisions. This was a hard decision. I've always watched people in their lives, and things go so smoothly. They create families, they get jobs, they make life plans. I always start messes and I've never had things easy, it's my own damn fault. But nothing I ever had was for free. I just don't know how to feel. When can I be free?